We light candles
by Janet-Davis
Summary: RENT This is my version of what happens after the show ends. Roger's POV. Please R&R![It's been quite a while now so first thing I did was to update the chapters that were already up. There'll be a new chapter up later today!]
1. Chapter1

I sit absent-minded on a chair in a corner of the loft.

Maureen and Joanne sit on the sofa, talking to Mark. I can hear their voices, but I don't understand a word. It sounds as if they were miles away.

I'm shaking. I sit there, my arms resting on my upper-legs. I stare at the floor.

It's cold. Mimi was right………it's cold here………

"Roger?"

I keep staring at the floor.

"Roger!"

I stare up, looking Mark straight in the face. His blue eyes are red from crying. Mine are probably too, so I look away again. I hate him seeing me this way.

"Are you all right?", I hear him say.

First I don't answer. Then I feel anger boiling up in me.

"Sure! What do you think! I feel………." I pause, searching for words and can't come up with anything useful. "………GREAT!"

I feel my head redden. It's hot in here. I want to go. I have to get out! I need a cigarette!

"Roger!"

I feel Mark push me back onto the chair, as I try to stand up. His grip is tight.

"I'm sorry. It's just……… I don't know what to say………"

I glance at him. "Well then better shut up!"

"Roger I………"

"Shut up!", I shout. I don't mean to shout at him, but what he says hurts.

I feel a pain on my cheek.

Did Mark just slap me! He has never slapped me before! He'd never hurt anybody.

His eyes are wet from the tears that now slowly start running down his face.

I feel bad. Why do I feel bad? He slapped me.

I think he's shouting at me. I can't hear him. I don't care………

I see Maureen and Joanne appear on either side of Mark.

Maureen comes closer and strokes my back.

Joanne pulls Mark away. I hear her say, he should leave me alone and that there was no point in arguing with me, or even wanting to talk to me at all.

Again I have the desire to run outside. My throat is dry. I think I can't breathe. There's no air left in the room.

Just as I want to get up, the door to the loft opens.

Maureen lets go of me and makes a step towards the door.

Collins enters, his jacket in his left hand, quietly closing the door with the other one.

He doesn't say a word and we don't ask.

He puts the jacket down and looks around as if just realising that we are there.

"She's all right.", he finally says.

I breath in. My throat isn't as tight as it was before.

There's this positive feeling of relief in the air. But nobody looks happy.

"They said she's got to stay in hospital for a few weeks. -You can go see her tomorrow.", he adds, casting a quick look at me.

"Did she say anything!", I say, feeling excitement rise inside me.

Collins shakes his head.

"God………", I whisper, covering my face with my hands.

She's alive, she's okay……… I can't believe it………

I have to get out. Not because the air is bad and I can't breath anymore. Now I rather feel like it was never easier to breath. I want to be alone. No, I want to go see Mimi!

But I can't go. Collins said I can see her tomorrow. They won't let me into the hospital now.

I get up.

"'Ey! We're you going?", Collins says.

I knew he'd ask. He thinks I'm going to see her anyway.

"I'll get some cigarettes!", I say, leaving the loft before anybody can reply.


	2. Chapter2

It's cold. Obviously it's not cold enough, because there's an icy rain pouring down on me.

I'd prefer snow. Snow is cold but it's soft. The rain is hitting me hard in the face.

By the time I reach the cigarette machine, I'm soaked. I search my pockets for a few coins, now wishing I hadn't left the loft at all.

"Are you okay?", I hear a mild voice ask me out of the darkness surrounding the dim light of the street lamp .

I turn my face and find a young woman, about twenty - maybe older, staring at me through green eyes. At least I think they're green. It's hard to tell.

"Yeah………", I say, turning away again. I'm not in the mood for talking.

"Well, you don't look as if you were……...", she says, stepping closer.

I don't like it. I don't like people coming too close. Not if I don't know them. I step back.

"I am. - Believe me."

"Sure?" The girl raises her brows, looking pretty worried.

She stares up at the sky, reaching out her hand, letting a few raindrops poor onto it.

"Not very Christmas-like weather, is it?" She pauses, then smiles. "Oh……… merry Christmas, by the way!"

I look at her startled, murmuring: "Er……...right………merry Christmas."

She smiles. I turn my attention back on my pockets, searching for more coins.

"While you are searching………" She points at the cigarette machine. "May I?"

I nod. I think I don't have enough coins left. Shit.

I Wait, while she opens the new box of cigarettes.

My thoughts drift away and I think of Mimi. I wonder how she feels. I wonder what it feels like……..if you………

I shake my head. I prefer not to think about it. It scares me. I think it's the only thing that scares me.

I look up. Why is she still there?

And why is she still looking at me rather worried.

"You can't tell me you really are okay………"

I roll my eyes, slowly feeling quite annoyed by her.

I've got to say _something_ to get rid of her.

"I forgot my money at home.", I say shortly.

"Is that it?" She reaches into her handbag, then smiles at me, giving me the box of cigarettes.

"I wanted to stop smoking anyway.", she says, now grinning.

I hate to have others paying for me, but in this case it's not too bad.

I manage to smile back. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. See it as a Christmas-gift."

I nod. I wanna go home, although the rain has stopped.

"Well, then……… It's time for me to go, I guess………"

Again I nod. Is she expecting something from me? I'm not sure. I'm tired. Worn out by the day, by everything... "Bye."

"Bye!", she says, waving at me, although she's standing right in front of me.

I'm glad as she turns and walks away, but I remain where I am, lighting a cigarette. I breath it in deeply, shutting my eyes. I don't really like the taste of smoke, but smoking calms me down a lot. Angel used to say it's not good for me, but I kept telling him that I surely wouldn't die of cancer.

I finish my cigarette and toss it onto the street.

Just when I walk back to the loft, it starts raining again.


	3. Chapter3

„Hey, there you are.", Maureen greets me, as I enter the loft.

They're still up. All of them. I guess they were waiting for me.

Anyway, I don't want to talk, so I look at her as friendly as I can and move on towards the door of my room.

"Roger………", Mark begins, reaching out for my arm as I pass, but I pull it away hurriedly and he falls silent.

"It's hard for him………", I hear Collins say as I lie in my bed.

I've been staring at the ceiling for about an hour. I can't sleep. I want to see Mimi! I miss her smell and the warmth of her body beside mine. I missed her all the time. Ever since I left her alone and moved to Santa Fe. I didn't talk to her since then, but I couldn't forget her either.

I think I feel guilty. If I hadn't left, she wouldn't have been out there all alone………

With all these thoughts in my hand, it's impossible for me to sleep, so I just lie there and listen to the voices of the others.

"………I mean, not only that Mimi means a lot to him, this whole thing also reminds him of his disease………at least I think so. "

"I wish we could do something for him.", I hear Mark reply to Collins, in a low voice.

"Best thing to do is to leave him alone. You know what Roger's like!", Maureen says.

"I don't think it's that easy, Maureen. I think Roger needs somebody who's there for him. He just doesn't admit it.", Joanne replies peeved.

"If you say so.", Maureen bleats back at her.

Great. Don't they know, that the walls in this house are as thin as paper? They should know that I can hear every word of what they are saying. Why don't they shut up!

It takes another thirty minutes, until they go to bed. It's 3:30 by now. I get up and slowly walk back into the living-room. It's dark and so I hit the sofa, while trying to make my way to the kitchen.

"What?", I hear a voice stumble beside me.

It's Mark, who's lying on the sofa.

"It's just me.", I say quickly, signalising him, that I'm still not in the mood to talk.

"What is it?", Mark mumbles.

"Nothing. I just wanted to get something to drink."

I want to move on, but something makes me stay. Probably I need to talk.

"What are you doing here?", I ask, trying to start a conversation.

"I...…… am trying to sleep.", Mark says.

"Oh………okay."

I give an annoyed sigh and walk past him. If he doesn't want to talk it's fine with me!

"Hey, Roger. Wait.", I hear Mark's voice behind me. "I think I need something to drink as well."

He gets up and follows me into the kitchen.

We don't talk, until we return to the sofa, where I sit down beside him in the dark.

That's the special thing about me and Mark. We don't need to talk to understand each other. That's why I prefer talking to him more than to any other person.

"So why **are** you sleeping on the sofa?"

"Maureen and Joanne wanted to spend the night here. And………", he continues abashed. "Maureen persuaded me to let them sleep in my room."

I give a weak laugh. "You'll never learn, will you?"

There's a long silence.

"How do you feel?", Mark asks in a low voice.

"What do you think?", I reply feeling tired and burnt out.

"D'you think you're gonna try it again? I mean………you and Mimi?"

I nod, without thinking about it. "I don't want to lose her again."

Mark nods. He probably doesn't know what to say, so I don't want to bother him any longer.

"I'm off.", I say, getting up.


	4. Chapter4

It's 9 am. I woke up an hour ago and now I'm making my way to the hospital.

The subway is full of people. Businessmen, homeless. Everybody looking stressed out and not very happy at all. It would be hard to tell that it's Christmas, if it weren't for the excessive decoration all over the city.

I get off twenty minutes later. It's not raining, but it's cold and cloudy.

As the hospital-building appears in front of me I'm not so sure about going in anymore.

The thought of seeing Mimi there. Weak, pale, attached to all kind of machinery.. I don't want that. But I feel like I owe her something. And after leaving her before, I can't leave her again.

I enter and head straight for the room, that Collins had told me to go to.

Before entering her room I take a deep breath.

I try not to think about what expects me. Which sights, questions, fears..

Slowly I open the door, trying to smile.

The smile fades immediately, as I see her.

She is lying there, looking just as pale as the day before. Her dark curls, that are sticking to her sweaty forehead make her look even paler.

Her lips, that are always filled with a deep red are now only a light pink shade of what they used to be.

Only her eyes are still the same, although they look tired.

But all of this doesn't really matter, the thing that really bothers me is Benny.

He is sitting beside her, holding her hand.

I want to shout at him. Ask him what he's doing here, but probably Benny's reasons are the same as mine. He cares about her and wants to comfort her.

I just can't stand the fact that he was here first.

I ignore my feelings and try to stay calm. For her sake.

"Roger, I heard what happened."

Benny gets up to shake my hand with a serious expression on his face.

"I just wanted to check on her."

I nod. There's nothing else I can do, that doesn't involve insulting him or hurting him badly.

I look past him at Mimi.

She is gazing out of the window. I'm not sure, but I think the situation embarrasses her.

I look at Benny again.

"Get out..", I say irritated, but quietly, so Mimi doesn't hear it.

He stares at me, but he doesn't look angry or as if he wanted to respond.

Probably he can guess that I also blame him for what happened.

If he had taken care of her properly, she wouldn't have had to live on the street..

Maybe he even blames himself.. I don't care.

He turns to Mimi and walks back to her bed.

She looks away from the window and faces him.

I can hear him say something to her and she nods.

Benny leaves.

Now I dare to walk towards her myself.

I look at her again. At the machines around the bed..

I make myself look into her eyes and she smiles at me.

"Hi.."

Her voice is weak and sounds shy, but sweet as ever and a shiver runs down my spine.

I feel tears in my eyes. Finally there's an emotion I can define. I feel empty.

I sit down on the edge of her bead and open my mouth to say something, but she stops me by placing her fingertips on my lips.

Her hand slips down again, because she's to weak to hold it, but I take it and kiss it.

We don't talk for a very long time.


End file.
